Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Personal Entry- Thoughts Among the Stars

I have always relished the long assignments. Even when loved ones must be left behind, the travel time and disconnect from my life offers me a sort of peace; a time to sort things out. So much has occurred to me recently. I have lost loved ones and found new ones where I would have least expected them. I find myself having to share her heart with another, and I have accepted it as a way of life for me. Before, any threat to what I wanted would have been killed…granted the last one was a slaver, but that makes no difference. To this day I question my intentions: Was I freeing a slave or capturing a new lover for my own? That guilt will be with me until my days here are over. Perhaps that is why I have been able to have….hmmm…enough….restraint with this current situation. What I feel, only holding half her heart, is more than enough reason not to let go. My only concern is the child. Would the child be better off without me? Who could do a better job of protecting Scarlet and the child? Will he be the father that he should be? Will he allow Scarlet to choose her own path and not bully her into his? If she chooses a life without me for the child so be it. As painful as it is, if it is her choice, I will accept it. However, I will not run away from her, him, or the child. It is all her choice.

Voices from the grave call to me to answer a responsibility I promised myself I would never shoulder again, yet I stand with open arms. I find my mind planning, rumbling with thoughts about how to manage the temple and help Scarlet. I am not one for the spiritual stuff. My near catastrophic failure with Deomo taught me that. Standing behind her is still with her. My only wish is that I could be more of a help. Perhaps I can. I know of things that need to be done. Perhaps I will take them on.

I look forward to getting off of this shuttle and getting my feet back on the ground. Not having Scarlet in my life makes me feel as if I am missing a lung. I feel emptiness inside, but know that she is alright. She has Deomo to watch out for her. Soon I will be back with her. I hope that she is well enough to go hunting now. She cannot forget what she has learned of her sword work.

*TaiShan, I will be with you soon, my heart and my love yearn for your sight. Soon I can feel your soft eyes gaze upon me as your hand runs through my hair.*


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