Journal Entry- 121604

I remember once, watching a puppeteer in the streets of Coronent entertain some children. He was momentarily distracted and the strings got tangled. He tried to correct them but he ended up tripping over his own feet and stumbling to the ground. I had to give him a soft chuckle as I waited for my informant to come from the cantina. How alike my life is with that of the puppeteer. Except I do not tangle my strings...until now...

Control is only an illusion. I thought I had it, but I see it slipping through my fingers.

Images of death, destruction, and carnage dance in my mind...then the headaches, and bleeding. The only peace I had found was the smell of blood of my victims on my creatures' fangs and burning flesh caused by my FWG5. Lately, another has brought peace to my soul through a bond I barely understand. it is not just love, it is...beyond that. I have loved few in my time, but enough to recognize it. This is new to me, forgein, and frightening...This...this Zabrak, this Rebel Zabrak, can.. call to me, I can sense her being, I can feel her pain. I feel her fear, and the need from within me to reach out to her, to be with her. For she is my Tai'Shan, one body, mind, and spirit...I love her without knowing why. I fear this...dependence, yet have embraced it...I fear she does not yet trust me though. This pains me to no end. There have been times when she has looked at me with fear in her eyes...and this srikes me right through my heart to my soul. Without her, all will be lost, I would have nothing. for I feel she is my Only...without her, I will be left to decend into the dark emptiness that fights its way out of me everyday.

Now, I fear the Empire has turned its eyes on me. I do not know what is contained within my soul. So many things are in conflict. During my Imperial Training, I became proficient in bending one's mind to my own will. Not by a simple Jedi trick, but rather, by coersion and manipulation. Now, my Dejarik board has been upturned.