Personal Entry- Uncertainty
I am afraid I have become too close. Things are happening that I cannot explain, nor do I understand. I need to distance myself and regroup. I need to understand what is going on...
I cannot allow myself to loose focus on my mission. I cannot let my fee..thoughts get in the way of my goal...
Something very unsettling happened last night...After meeting with Cauil, I tracked Scar'let down. She is in awful shape, feral, barely remembering...I tr...I try to help her remember, to feel...but I just do not know how.
...the bleeding has begun again...My head is pounding and I cannot think straight...I am scared of playing with something that I am so unsure of. I do not know what is going on with my mind or why I fee....seem to find Scar'let so easily...Last night was especially worrisome...I tracked her down, and while talking to her, I glanced down to my homing receiver. It wasn't even on...How did I know where to go?...dammit...*wipes blood from his nose*
I had to call Brem to her in hopes that his history would bring her back. Something seems to be wrong...he seems...hesitant of me, almost fearful...I hope that he does not do anything stupid...he is critical to Kimbrya's recovery, and Scar'let's sanity...I cannot afford his death...
I had to make a deal with devil last night. I am heart broken to discover that Cauil may be as mindless as Deomo. That is troublesome. He says one thing, but his men do another...I do not think he considers his actions' impact on the conflict as a whole...look how many rebel guilds have begun to band together...I am afraid Cauil has inadvertently swung the balance of power in Radiant. There are Imperials that are unhappy with SSS's actions, and rightly so... A couple of good things did arise out of the meeting...he has promised that Deomo will no longer torment Scar'let...I am not...I do not know why I insisted on that...I would like to think it is because she is my only reliable contact to Kimbrya, but this nagging feeling...I don't know... Also SSS no longer considers me a traitor. That will make travel a bit easier...I can shut down a few unregistered safe houses. Regardless of what Cauil says I cannot share all my information with him. I would trust him in a battle but not on this playing field. There is a reason I was not on the firing range, and stuck in a classroom with my head in psychology books. All those damn psy ops classes...the skills come in handy, and luckily, I haven't had to tap the darker methods taught to us...I will never forget the scream in that one class...I wonder if that poor girl ever recovered...To be awarded top honors in that class was bitter sweet. It has been a long time...perhaps I should not fall out of practice....I wonder what Deomo is doing tonight? *wicked grin as he shuts his comm down*
I cannot allow myself to loose focus on my mission. I cannot let my fee..thoughts get in the way of my goal...
Something very unsettling happened last night...After meeting with Cauil, I tracked Scar'let down. She is in awful shape, feral, barely remembering...I tr...I try to help her remember, to feel...but I just do not know how.
...the bleeding has begun again...My head is pounding and I cannot think straight...I am scared of playing with something that I am so unsure of. I do not know what is going on with my mind or why I fee....seem to find Scar'let so easily...Last night was especially worrisome...I tracked her down, and while talking to her, I glanced down to my homing receiver. It wasn't even on...How did I know where to go?...dammit...*wipes blood from his nose*
I had to call Brem to her in hopes that his history would bring her back. Something seems to be wrong...he seems...hesitant of me, almost fearful...I hope that he does not do anything stupid...he is critical to Kimbrya's recovery, and Scar'let's sanity...I cannot afford his death...
I had to make a deal with devil last night. I am heart broken to discover that Cauil may be as mindless as Deomo. That is troublesome. He says one thing, but his men do another...I do not think he considers his actions' impact on the conflict as a whole...look how many rebel guilds have begun to band together...I am afraid Cauil has inadvertently swung the balance of power in Radiant. There are Imperials that are unhappy with SSS's actions, and rightly so... A couple of good things did arise out of the meeting...he has promised that Deomo will no longer torment Scar'let...I am not...I do not know why I insisted on that...I would like to think it is because she is my only reliable contact to Kimbrya, but this nagging feeling...I don't know... Also SSS no longer considers me a traitor. That will make travel a bit easier...I can shut down a few unregistered safe houses. Regardless of what Cauil says I cannot share all my information with him. I would trust him in a battle but not on this playing field. There is a reason I was not on the firing range, and stuck in a classroom with my head in psychology books. All those damn psy ops classes...the skills come in handy, and luckily, I haven't had to tap the darker methods taught to us...I will never forget the scream in that one class...I wonder if that poor girl ever recovered...To be awarded top honors in that class was bitter sweet. It has been a long time...perhaps I should not fall out of practice....I wonder what Deomo is doing tonight? *wicked grin as he shuts his comm down*
posted by Mark at 8.12.04
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